Being Liked Is Not the Job: Why New Managers Need Clarity More Than Approval

According to Gallup, only about half of employees strongly agree that they know what’s expected of them at work. Half.

This explains so much. It explains why smart and capable employees often second-guess themselves, and why teams often feel busy but not always aligned. 

Worst of all, a lack of clarity around expectations creates a whole lot of anxiety, and it often gets in the way of the “doing” part of work. As Don Clifton once wrote, "Nothing happens until someone expects something of you in ways you can achieve."

For new managers, it’s easy to beat around the bush when it comes to delegation. You might soften or delay a new initiative because the “ask” is too much for your already overstretched team. Or you might simply just wrap a team briefing in just enough vagueness to guarantee it's not useful… all because you’re trying hard to remain likeable and not offend anyone.

Hear me out here: I know you want your team to feel good, and that you want to be perceived as a supportive and approachable manager. These are all admirable qualities in any leader.

But the more I coach leaders, the more I realize that the goal of effective leadership is to make things clear, rather than to make things comfortable (either for yourself or your team).

Here’s why new managers need clarity more than approval.

The early leadership trap: Confusing kindness with leadership

It’s easy to equate good leadership to keeping things flexible and low pressure as a new manager. Operating with this sense of kindness allows you to reduce the expectations you set for your team and create an environment of high trust. 

However (and I’m sorry to say this because it might burst your bubble!), this version of leadership removes the structure that people rely on to show up and do their best work. 

Quite simply, without clear expectations it’s challenging for teams to understand their priorities. And without priorities, work doesn’t move forward. 

To counter this, you need to clearly define the language you use so that it’s not up for interpretation. For example, the phrase “ASAP” might seem harmless, but it can mean completely different things to different people depending on their interpretation of “as soon as possible.” 

To provide clear communication to your team, it requires repetition and consistency. As a leader, it’s important that you restate your team’s priorities, define what “done” looks like and create predictable rhythms for communication. 

One of our mantras around this is “clarity creates calm.” But clarity cannot be achieved if you’re too focused on being liked and not focused enough on being clear. And as new managers, it’s important to recognize that kindness is about making expectations clear enough that people can move forward with confidence.

Why clarity (not likability) is the foundation of trust

Clarity removes the ability to negotiate. Likeability does not.

Why do I mean by this? Well, it’s easy for your team to test boundaries and adjust their priorities based on what they think you want, rather than based on what you’ve actually communicated. 

This creates inconsistency in your team’s output. It also changes how feedback lands when you offer it up to your team. For example, in low-clarity environments, feedback can feel personal because there’s no quantifiable baseline on what “good” looks like. So, any corrections you offer to your team can feel like judgement, rather than objective performance adjustments. 

In high-clarity work environments, however, feedback is far more operational in nature. It points back to a hard standard you set for everyone and ensures you turns a “you’ve done this wrong” conversation into “this isn’t the expectation we agreed upon.” 

Over time, then, clear leadership like this helps to deepen the trust your team has. Why? Because they start to rely less on reading your mood and your tone of voice, and more on the systems and processes you’ve put in place that offer stability. 

The three habits that build clarity as a new manager

A missed follow-up here, a vague handoff there, and an expectation that lives in your head instead of out in the open. 

Tightening these moments is what makes your leadership feel dependable. After all, most clarity issues come from small gaps that repeat throughout the week.

So, what habits can you adopt to build clarity as a new manager?

1. Consistently follow through on promises

First and foremost, treat every request you make as a commitment to respond. 

If you ask for an update from your team, make sure you actually review it and give a clear next step. If a deadline is missed, address it directly with your team instead of letting it slide. Your reactions teach the team what is actually important, far more than your words do.

Try this instead

At the end of each day, scan for anything you asked for but haven’t acknowledged. If there’s anything outstanding, send a quick response even if it’s just confirming receipt and next steps. 

This helps you close the loop and reinforces that your expectations are active rather than optional.

2. Delegate with a clear structure rather than just good intentions

It’s vital to set people up to succeed by defining the work they’ll do before they start (yes, before!). That means be specific about the outcome you expect, communicate the level of ownership, and clearly state when you’ll check in on things. 

In short: avoid open-ended asks that force people to guess what “good” looks like.

Try this instead

Before handing something off, answer three questions out loud:

1. What does success look like? 

2. When do I want to see this again? 

3. What decisions can you make without me? 

If those answers aren’t clear, you’re not ready to delegate.

3. Set working expectations out loud, often, and early

Make priorities visible and repeat them until they become shared understanding. Do not rely on one conversation or one meeting to carry the message. People need to hear and see what matters multiple times before it sticks.

Try this instead

Start your weekly team check-in by restating the top three priorities and what “done” looks like for each. 

Keep your language consistent from week to week so your team builds a reliable mental model of how work gets done.

Bottom line: You can be respected without being liked all the time

At one point or another, you’re going to run into tension with your team. That’s just a fact of work-life. And as a new manager who wants to be liked, it can be easy to retreat when those moments of tension arise. 

Unfortunately, this is the antithesis of effective leadership. Your job as a new manager is not to avoid discomfort but to make decisions, set direction and create an environment where people can show up to work aligned and productive. 

Sure, this will sometimes put you at odds with people on your team. But staying true to these leadership traits will help your people understand where you stand, even if they do not always agree with you. 

At the end of the day, you do not need to choose between being human and being effective. But you do need to move away from using likability as the measure of whether you are doing the job well.

If you’re looking for more support building clarity, confidence, and structure in your leadership, explore our Leadership Operations Coaching services for new managers ready to lead with intention.

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Frequently Asked Questions

These are the questions I hear most often from new managers who are trying to balance being supportive with actually leading.

• How do I know if I’m prioritizing being liked too much?

  If you find yourself avoiding direct conversations or feeling frustrated that your team “should know this by now,” that’s usually a sign. 

  It often shows up as over-explaining after the fact instead of being clear upfront. I always tell clients to look for where they’re hesitating. That hesitation usually points to a place where clarity is needed.

• How can I be clear without coming across as harsh or rigid?

  Clarity and tone are two different skills, and you need both. You can be direct and still be thoughtful in how you say things. 

  Focus on being specific about the work, not personal about the person. When expectations are clear, people actually feel more supported because they know how to succeed.

• What should I do if my team is used to a more relaxed or unclear style?

  Start by naming the shift. Let your team know you’re working on being more explicit about priorities and expectations. Then follow through consistently. At first, it might feel like overcommunication, but over time it creates stability. People adjust quickly when the signal becomes clear.

• How often should I repeat expectations or priorities?

  More often than you think. If something matters, it needs to show up in multiple places. Team meetings, one-on-ones, written updates. Repetition is how alignment sticks, especially when priorities are changing or the team is busy.

• What’s the biggest mistake new managers make when trying to create clarity?

  They assume clarity happens once. They say something clearly one time and expect it to carry forward. In reality, clarity is something you maintain. It requires reinforcement, follow-through, and shared language. Without that, even the best intentions fade quickly.